God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
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Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Spring of Deception
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
🇺🇸🤭
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.