God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I have a PhD in minding my own business. I’m an uninterestedologist.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
some things should go without saying
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
