Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

🐠

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom