Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.