God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
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10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.