Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*

[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something