Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”