Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

Wikigenius

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids