God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
multitasking lunch
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Steam Forums
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
