God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
