God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
