Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

What a year we’ve had this week.

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

is he marrying that labradoodle

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.