Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.