Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

True

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own