God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I put the hot in psychotic.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Yes
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
