God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
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Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
58.