God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
