God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
don’t be scared
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
