God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Have a lovely day 😊
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
