God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
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*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
#Caturday
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*