God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
