Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.