Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

thank god the sign was there

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

This made me chuckle.

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.