Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig