God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
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[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead