Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

Somebody needs to get my shit together.