Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??