Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

What’s so funny?

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.