Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.