God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
You Might Also Like
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order