God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Meow
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
