Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

good work, everybody

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

*power walks to the refrigerator*

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness