God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
reminder
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
🔦🌙👣
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
