Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

WTF IS THAT!

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.