God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
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me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My background check bounced.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
all that yoga finally paid off
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up