God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Snack for election night!
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
