Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

kids play hide and seek like

more water

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.