God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Is….Is this an option?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
