Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

This is me

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

ready to be harvested

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.

I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

Oh. My. God.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”