Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

The First Farmer

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.