*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
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Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
when dads have a rap battle
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire