Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂