God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
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We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT