There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them