God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
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me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Eating for two.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”