God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
linkedin the good parts
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
