[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
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CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
*tries to lift dumbbell
Trainer: COME ON! IT’S NOT THAT HEAVY!
Me: I know, it’s just this KFC grease making it slip
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Having a wife and daughters, I try bottles in the shower until I find one that doesn’t burn my balls and wash myself all over with that one.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.