@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

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@PickleRudd

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

@Reverend_Scott

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

@ThaJawn

(gym)

Me:
*tries to lift dumbbell
*drops it

Trainer: COME ON! IT’S NOT THAT HEAVY!

Me: I know, it’s just this KFC grease making it slip

@internetluke

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

@Beerhaze

Having a wife and daughters, I try bottles in the shower until I find one that doesn’t burn my balls and wash myself all over with that one.

@Goggner

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

@LizHackett

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

@iamdevloper

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.