Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room