God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
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I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.