God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
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Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia