Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.