Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

Siri: Retweet me.

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

Mood.. 😂

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel