God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Well, this explains it:
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
