God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
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My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Check out the legs on this baby
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.