God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
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Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.