God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I’m ready to try another planet.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
