Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

sometimes we need to be reminded

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.