Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

Snapes on a plane.

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

dutch is not a serious language

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”