God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
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me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”