Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.