God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
