God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
