God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
