God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
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would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Legend 🤣🤣