God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
