Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

*has no idea what a book even is*

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

incredible google review i just found

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*