Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average