God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
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Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
*has no idea what a book even is*
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
incredible google review i just found
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*