God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
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I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
barbara was highly relatable
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!