What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
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What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.