my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
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I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him