God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
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My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
#gardening
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
🐶😂
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I try
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.