God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
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Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
getting old is fun
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”